What Men Really Want

These were some really great tips that I wanted to save and figured the best way to do that was in a blog post.

Wives, men...

1. Get their self-esteem from marriage, job and athletics (job and athletics are always uncertain so the marriage is what they want to count on)
2. Think respect is more important than feeling loved (it almost feels like the same thing to them)
3. Want to feel affirmed and appreciated by their wives
4. Are not good at taking hints. Tell him what you want. 
5. Want to know that they are the #1 person in your life, especially if you have kids. Your kids will grow up and move out and you will still be with him.
6. Want grace and forgiveness. Those are important to him. He's going to mess up, but he doesn't need to be reminded of it. 
7. Don't appreciate or like nagging. 
8. Don't like to be ambushed. Make sure to talk to him before going into a discussion with others about a certain subject so that he's not taken off guard. 
9. Want you to protect their reputation. What do you say about him to others? Do not disrespect him or put him down to others. This is how he will be perceived. Guard him. 
10. Want to be spoken to with kindness and gentleness. "Husband is the leader, but the atmosphere of the house is set by the wife."
11. Need to feel desired, not tolerated or pitied. 
12. Need to be admired. Admire the work they've done in the yard, or around the house. 
13. Need "men"time. It may not look the same as "ladies" time. They may just want to watch a football game with friends. Encourage this. 
14. Need to be our Knight in Shining Armor. We need to let them know ho we appreciate them. Know your husband's love language. 
15. Don't ever want to admit any of this, but when we do this, we set ourselves up for an amazing marriage! =)

True Disciples

In this age as a Christian, it is so easy to get mixed into the more prominent area of complacent Christianity. Not only is it found in abundance, it's easy...very easy.

No one tells you what to do, you receive feel good messages from the pulpit that may or may not challenge your walk with Christ, no one calls you out on your sin (so you then forget you are even sinning), and no one encourages you to research to make sure what you're hearing is sound doctrine.

Source: http://photos2.demandstudios.com

I know I can't be making this up, because the apostle Paul was thinking the same thing when he said:

"For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." - 2 Timothy 4:3

Is this you? Do you long to hear what your itching ears want to hear, or instead sound doctrine that will put you in your place, convict and lead to repentance?

The latter doesn't sound so fun for most people, which is why it is the road less traveled.

"For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:13-14

Why will more enter the wide road? It's easier.

In a society where we want more for less and faster service all of the time, we treat our most important relationship and life choices the same way. We want what is convenient and fast, not what is difficult and slow. We don't want to suffer in order to gain rewards, we want the rewards with no consequences or suffering. However, it's the journey that makes the rewards worthwhile. Consider the following verse:

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." - Romans 5:3-5

If we understand what suffering produces, our hearts should be focused on hanging tight for the ride.

Source: ledgerlink.monster.com

One Another Relationships

In the Word of God, we are commanded to do several things. Many don't appear as commands, but they clearly don't say "if you choose". In fact, in Paul's writings they many times begin with the word "therefore."

In regards to one another (and I mean between disciples of Jesus Christ), how are we supposed to act? What are we supposed to do to appear different from the world? How can we help each other grow?

Here are a few important places to start, and let me warn you, some may make you shift uncomfortably because it is not something you're used to seeing in church, but it is what the Bible calls us to do:

• Encourage one another (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Hebrews 3:13, Hebrews 10:24)
• Serve one another (Galatians 5:13)
• Confess to one another (James 5:16)
• Bear with one another (Colossians 3:13)
• Forgive (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13)
• Be humble and patient (Ephesians 4:2)
• Submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21)
• Live in harmony (Romans 12:16)
• Be devoted (Romans 12:10)
• Honor one another (Romans 12:10)
• Speak truth to one another (Ephesians 4:15-16)
• Accept one another (Romans 15:7)
• Love (1 Peter 4:8, 1:22
• Admonish (Colossians 3:16)

I want to focus on the last one. The word admonish is not really used in today's society so I wanted to look up what it meant, since I always assumed it meant to encourage. Boy was I wrong. It means to "rebuke mildly, advise strongly; to warn someone of their error."

Clearly we are to rebuke one another to get them back on track if we see one another falling into sin or going down the wrong path. This is how we can prevent disciples from falling away and leaving the faith.

Source: www.hcs.harvard.edu

The reason Paul, Timothy and Peter were so adamant about encouraging one another and staying in each other's lives, the way it was exemplified in the 1st century church, was to keep the enemy at bay from causing dissension, factions and division within the body.

Are you united in the body with other disciples that are challenging your growth towards maturity, encouraging you towards deepening your walk with the Lord and living in harmony?

If not, I want to ask an honest question, who's disciple are you?

It's time to get real. 

The Educational Journey: My Abuelita

My Abuela and Abuelo

Growing up, I always heard about the struggles my Abuelo's (grandparents) faced when they moved from Cuba to the United States in 1961.

In Cuba, my Abuelita (grandma) received her PhD in Mathematics and was a Professor. I was always so proud to hear her accomplishments, but it wasn't until my conversation with her last night while discussing my current studies for my Master's degree that made me really appreciate all she had done and accomplished in education.

My Abuela worked 11 years to attain her PhD in Mathematics in Cuba. When she moved to the United States, her degree credits and course work did not all transfer. So in essence, her PhD was not valid for teaching in this country.

Did she give up? Absolutely not!

Instead she was one of the few that received a special scholarship offered by UCLA in the late 1960's. After all her years of studying in Cuba, she went back to school once again.

During her studies at UCLA, she was asked by a Professor to present a lecture in mathematics as she would teach a regular class. She was hesitant to do so because of the language barrier and not speaking English fluently, but with the encouragement of the Professor, did so. Upon completion of her assignment, the Professor stood amazed at her ability to reason certain theories and calculations that were beyond her peers. When asked where she received her training, she was proud to speak of her course work and studies in Cuba where she was trained in advanced mathematics.

With two small children at the time (my dad and my tia Liz), and my Abuelito working nights and taking care of the kids on Saturday to support her and to allow my Abuelita to study, their sacrifice paid off. She received not one, but two Master's degrees from UCLA in Mathematics and Physics; the only reason she didn't continue towards a second PhD was because a family was more important to her.

What's more, with her skills, experience and knowledge, she could have worked in any school yet chose instead to work in the inner city of Los Angeles in a little city called Watts, one of the most dangerous in the United States known for their gangs and riots in the 60's. Regardless, she went to work loving her students and working hard doing what she loved most: teaching. She was never mocked for her accent but was appreciated by those students for her love for them and desire for them to excel.

She retired from the public school system when I was born in 1984 to spend time with her first grandchild. Her love for family and teaching were important, but family first.

While I do not share the same passion for math and definitely not science, it was my Abuelita who taught me algebra in a way that was so simple that I actually excelled in that course in 7th grade and again in college remembering her method.

My tia Liz followed her steps in pursuing education and achieved a Master's degree. She has also been teaching and loves it with the same passion.

Now, while pursing another degree, I know where I get it from. I love my Abuelita and appreciate her love for education and knowledge. Despite the odds and circumstances, she overcame and accomplished much. She is my educational hero!

I love you Abuelita!

The End of my 25th Year.

I always wanted my 25th year to be a big deal because it's the big "25", a quarter of a century old. Now a few days before my 26th birthday, I started wondering what was so great about this year. After last weekend at the marriage retreat, several things surfaced that helped me analyze just that.

As a wife, I had been praying for several of my weaknesses that were affecting my marriage and my husband. It was on the undercurrent for quite some time, because since I felt it was second nature, I never truly noticed how it was truly affecting everyone around me, especially my husband. It wasn't until about 1 1/2 years ago that I consciously made the decision to change. It was hard!!!

You may be curious as to what weaknesses I'm taking about. Well, in one word: anger. I gave in to fits of rage or get angry quicker than anyone. It was terrible and as I felt the anger rising, instead of stopping it, I would feed it and let it loose to create destruction knowing I would feel remorse afterwards. It was terrible and even writing it is hard to admit. But I wouldn't be writing it if things hadn't changed. This is a mini-testimony of what the Lord has done for me this year.

After making that decision to allow the Lord to work in me I saw meekness, kindness, mercy, gentleness, patience and love more than ever in my life and marriage. It was subtle and definitely didn't happen over night. It took time, swallowing my tongue, truly living out patience as opposed to just praying for it and then exploding, AND lots of prayer!!! It took Christ in my life and FULL surrender to the fact that though I've prayed for this change for years, I couldn't do it on my own.

What happened last weekend? My husband told me how hard it was for him when I would explode and how amazing our marriage has been the past 1 1/2 years. I didn't realize the hurt it was causing him until I saw the change in my life reflected in our marriage.

What's most interesting is I tell people all the time, without noticing, that our marriage is better now than ever before. I feel like we're still honeymooners. We're not infatuated, we're truly in love with one another and with Jesus Christ.

My 25th year has been a turning point for the better. There were other wonderful things that I noticed happen, but this was by far the most important to me. I still continue to pray for meekness, kindness, mercy, gentleness, and patience. I have too, because I need Jesus everyday in my life and marriage and I can't do it on my own.

I welcome my 26th birthday and can't wait to see where I'll be next year in my spiritual walk, my marriage and my life =)

Engagement Pictures Take-two

I didn't really like my engagement pictures, so I had decided we needed to have another session even though we've been married 3 1/2 years. Well, a really good friend, Dee Stecco, shot our photos and they came out great.

My favorite part was noticing how much more in love I am with my husband . I felt like we were newlyweds all over again! What a wonderful feeling to be in love!!!

Solid Foundation

Recently heard a great message about marriage and creating a solid foundation that I wanted to share.

In Matthew 7:24-27, Jesus tells the story of the Wise and Foolish Builders. The wise builder built his house on a rock. When the rain came down, the streams rose, the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall because it's foundation: rock. Now the foolish builder built his house on the sand. When the rain came down, the streams rose, and winds blew and beat against that house, it fell with a great crash.

Similarly, this is what happens with marriage. When we build marriage with Jesus Christ as our foundation, it is as the wise builder. When we build marriage on "us", we are foolish and have built on the shakiest ground that can't resist the slightest tremor.

Unfortunately, most people build their marriage on the latter. They are built on the "me" factor. What is good for "me"? What can "I" get out of this? Will this make "me" happy? He or she doesn't understand "me". "I" am in love. "I" have fallen out of love.

When a relationship is built on "me", it's predominately built on feeling. Feelings can be deceiving. The word of God clearly states in Proverbs 28:26 "He who trusts in himself (KJV says "in his own heart") is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe."

Clearly, trusting yourself or your heart to make decisions is unwise. Our feelings change everyday and every hour. Some days your happy and in love, the next you miserable and you can't stand anyone, the next your fine but not great and so on and so forth. It's not wrong, it's just the way we are. Which is why we cannot base one of the most important decisions on our feelings.

Marriage is not to be taken lightly. It is a covenant, not created by man, but by God. It is a promise, not a contract. It is about trust, not mistrust. Just as the rings placed on those fingers, marriage is to be for life. A circle with no end.

It is impossible to experience full joy in marriage without having an intimate relationship with God. When He is involved, His love will hold marriages together because unlike our love, His is eternal and unconditional.

Love Defined - Part Two

This "Love Defined" blog is geared more towards married couples. In my blogs I reiterate often what the media feeds us about love and relationships is so wrong only because I am so passionate about it. I hope you can feel my passion burning as I write this.

I want to see marriages succeed, in love, happy, growing, learning, and seeking God. That's so important to me and I know it's important to the Lord as well.

In Matthew 19:5 it says "'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." (i.e. Divorce)

God hates divorce. If you don't believe me look up Malachi 2:16. Divorce is such a normal part of life in the U.S. that now we're in shock or in awe when we see couples that have lasted 25+ years and are happy. Is that not true?

If Jesus Christ is not the foundation of your marriage, it will fail. He should be your rock, your strength. My husband and I include the Lord in every decision we make, large or small, because we understand it takes three to make our marriage work. While we were dating, we laid the foundation of our relationship. We prayed together and allowed the Lord to guide our steps if we were intended to step into the sanctity of marriage together. It wasn't a decision taken lightly.

Who you marry is who you will spend the REST of your life with, who you'll grow old with, who, Lord permitting, you have children with, who will know you better than anyone else on this earth. If you go into marriage thinking about divorce, or without the thought of permanence or bailing out when things get hard, it will fail.

Like I said in Part One, this is not going to be without its difficulties. In 2 Corinthians 6:4-5 Paul talks about how we are to commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance, in troubles, hardships and distresses. It's a natural part of life...not a cop out to get out of a union as powerful as marriage.

When you become married, two become one. That's not just a Spice Girl song, it's Biblical. So when you divorce, you are tearing a piece of you that will forever be gone. The Lord does heal wounds and does restore lives, but I don't know one person who has forgotten their previous marriage or how they felt when they were married. Although it may feel like another life, it's never completely forgotten, why? It was a part of them that has been torn and left behind.

I can only compare marriage to two colors of Play-doh combined and made into one large dough. No one, no matter how meticulous you are, can pull those two pieces together and make them look the exact same they did before becoming one. That's exactly what marriage is.

There are several things you can do to help boost your marriage. First off, go on dates. If you're on a budget, be creative. There's plenty of good ideas that don't cost money. A friend of mine made a huge tent in the family room and watched movies in there with her sweetheart for Valentine's day. I saw a picture of it and it was so cute and romantic and cost $0. Secondly, don't forget to say "I love you". Thirdly, communicate, even about the small things.

Don't slack off in marriage. Don't give up. Love perseveres. It hopes. It NEVER FAILS. When it gets hard, pray harder. Love deeply!!! 1 Peter 4:8 says "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

Love with a love that is constant. There should be no room for separation or divorce, only for unity. When in doubt of what true love is...go back to the basics: 1 Corinthians 13:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

For better or for worse...

These past two months, I've been on marriage advice overload. Between a women's conference last month and a marriage retreat last weekend, I have notes to last me until next year's retreat.

As far as marriage went, I had been reading books since I was in High School about how to be a Godly wife. This was something I wanted with all my heart and to do right. Well, we're imperfect, so really, "right" doesn't exist. There is no formula to make a marriage perfect. There is one thing that will help: Jesus. I always understood that in order for a marriage to work, Christ had to be the foundation for stability.

As I write, I am overwhelmed by information to share but in order to keep the attention span of whoever is reading, I'll narrow it down to five points for a strong marriage that was outlined by one of the speakers at the marriage retreat:

1. Your marriage must maintain a strong sense of God's presence.
2. Accept those character traits that you will not change about your spouse (Romans 15:7)
3. Learn to survive those incompatible moments ~ remember you're two different people (Colossians 3:12-15)
4. Avoid getting involved in infidelity (both emotional and physical)
5. Develop a friendship

Unlike what the media feeds us, marriage is not about making you happy! Shocking, right? You can only make a marriage work when you are unselfish (Philippians 2:3-4). Selfishness destroys marriages. I've always said that in order for a relationship to work, there must be love, trust, and respect. If one of those three is missing, it's a disbalanced and disfunctional relationship.

When my husband shows me unselfish, unconditional love, I see Jesus Christ through him. I see how Jesus wants to love me through Lucas. I've told my husband this many times because he truly is an amazing husband. This is why Christ is the bridegroom and the Church is the bride. This analogy is to show the depth of what this unity is for the Lord. Marriage was created as a special union. Not to make one another happy (even though that's a bonus), but to accomplish together the perfect will of God. As a result, it brings joy.

Marriage is a beautiful thing and I am truly blessed to have been married three years to my best friend. I highly recommend it. When Christ is the center of both individuals' life, it makes it that much better!

Friendship that lasts

This weekend I visited one of my best friends from college in Columbus, Ohio. Only for a friend would I drive 5 1/2 hours each way =p. Even though it was only a 2 1/2-day trip, it was enough of a refill on our friendship.

We're not high maintenance friends. We email each other about once a week on the current happenings in each other's life and text when it's something a little more urgent (like prayer for something). Because neither of us are phone people, it works for us. But when we're together, all we have to do is talk and we're enjoying ourselves. No need to find something to do to entertain ourselves, or places to go so we don't get bored with each other. In fact, everywhere we went, we would sit down and just talk for hours.

For me, that's friendship. We are loyal to each other and most importantly, we edify each other and challenge one another to grow spiritually or think beyond what we normally would. This weekend was a spiritual renewal in a way. Both of us are at that point in our lives that we're sick of "playing church". Because we both relate to one another, we feed off of the spiritual growth and knowledge of the other.

I love hearing her point of view and realize how alike we are and how different at the same time. I love to learn from her and see how her life has led her to where she is and how the Lord continues shaping her views and life. It's a beautiful thing to see friendship grow and see how the Lord is working in a friend's life and walk with Him.

It only hit me this weekend that we've been close friends for almost 5 years. During that time, she's been an inspiration to me and helped me in more ways that I can thank her. She's an amazing friend that not only makes me laugh more than anyone else, but helps me grow spiritually and really think outside of my comfort zone.

I thank the Lord for friendship and for friends like her. Wish I could have her closer by, but this is how it is...for now =)Love you Heath!!!

Don't want to "Click" through life

I've been raised by entrepreneurs my whole life, which led me to want to own a company and be my own boss. After all, I loved their freedom to do what they wanted and make money without a supervisor tearing them down, managing them or fearing they'd lose their job.

In college, I wanted a major that would help me do just that. Nothing like nursing or teaching, where you have to work for someone else. It doesn't it make it any less important, it's the nature of the career. I was so sure and determined to do my own thing and never work for anyone except myself.

When I got married, my husband was raised the complete opposite. Security for him was having a stable job where you do work for someone. His life's motto is "I don't live to work, I work to live." I agreed, but I loved to work. I was born a workaholic (if possible). I know it has to do with my temperament (Choleric/Melancholy), but I love to analyze and do the detailed work that others hate. I work overtime if I haven't completed a task. I can't go home until it's finished. My husband, on the other hand, will clock out as soon as it's 5pm without a care in the world and drag me along with him.

After two years of seeing my husband's point of view, I've relented and gone along with him. I still care about work, but have not allowed it to consume me...well, he wouldn't let me, and I thank him for that. Then, I started to look around at those that influenced my career choices.

I've noticed that all the people in my life that are entrepreneurs, have worked much more than played. I've even noticed several of them have had health problems due to stress, lack of nutrition (from poor eating habits or eating fast b/c they don't make time for it) and lack of sleep (b/c their brains can't stop running through the agenda for the next day - I'm guilty of this too).

Then, one of these significant people in my life took a 7-day vacation that was loooooong overdue. He called every single day about 3-5 times to check up on the office. Everything was going smoothly, but because he wasn't here he stressed...on his vacation!!! He said the biggest mistake about this vacation was the fact that it was 7 days and not 3. He hated that it was so long and said he'd never do it again.

When I discussed this with my husband, I told him I NEVER wanted to think 7 days was too long of a vacation. I'm even tempted sometimes to move to Europe where vacation time is over a month! I don't ever want to be so focused on work, that I can't enjoy the only [consistent] time I'd have with family during the year.

So, to top it off, the other day I watched the move "Click" starring Adam Sandler with my husband. That movie always makes me cry at the end. It's such a great movie to put life back into perspective. Life is not ALL about work or getting ahead. If it is, you look back and realize it was meaningless and a waste of life. Solomon said it thousands of years ago. I think he, the wisest man to ever live, knew what he was talking about.

I recommend that movie to everyone. If you've never seen it, Adam Sandler is trying to make partner at his architectural firm. Meanwhile, it starts to interupt his personal life because of the time he has to put into the projects. Then he finds this universal remote that allows him to forward through life through the parts that he just wants over. Before he realizes it, he choose work over family every time and his life slipped away from him, destroying his marriage, family life and ultimately his health. (it ends good, don't worry)

Bringing it back to life, I recently made a decision to go back to school for a Master's in Education. I know, completely opposite with the beginning of this blog, but it's something I love and would be absolutely satisfied in doing. The time off isn't too shaby either =). I had actually seriously contemplated it during my freshman year, but felt the influences around me would've disapproved. So I switched to Business and Communications.

Now, I'm excited and motivated, even though I'd be working under someone that's not related to me. I'm excited to see what the Lord is going to do in my life. I'm excited to spend quality time raising my children when that time comes. I'm excited to focus on building my marriage. I love to work, but it will not consume me nor time with my loved ones.

One day I might own my own company, but I know what I'm not going to do.

There's only one life the good Lord has given us to live, and I'm making it a priority to live it fully!

Just some thoughts

I've always been rather weary about blogging about my personal life for all the world to see but writing can be very theraputic so here I go.

My husband and I went to see Slumdog Millionaire on Sunday night. It was a moving film that was amazing, but... not my point. During the previews, we saw one for "I Love you, Man" about a guy getting married who realizes he has no guys friends when trying to pick his Best Man.

Many times in my life, including now, I've felt the same way. Who are my friends? Maybe it's because I have 4 sisters + my cousin who is practically a sister that are my closest friends. I've never really pinned it down, but about this time last year, I analyzed my life and friendships. About every two years or so, I realized my entire friendship circles change, drastically. It doesn't really bother me, until I think about it or see my husband with his friends from elementary school.

Now, I've moved away from my sister's and "comfort zone" of friends to Tennessee where I had to start over. I've realized I don't have as much in common with people here as I did back home. Maybe it's culture, maybe it's not. Again, not sure...but it might just be ME.

My dream has always been to have lifelong friends that are a part of major events in life (eg. baby showers, births, new homes). Sometimes I wonder if that'll ever happen. My college friends were amazing, but none live within a 100 mile radius of me. So to "stop by and visit" is more of a planned vacation.

So, why did I make such solid friends in college, but none live near me...yet, where I am now, all I have are superficial friendships?

I guess I need to make more of an effort at being a good friend. Just thinking out loud.